Non Infectious Wife-Bite

On to the next one. And this is for real; I’m not just making it up, ok? The other night I was awakened from my sleep by a sharp bite on my elbow. This was in the winter…there were no mosquitoes, no bed bugs. Upon waking up I looked over at my wife, who also just woke up, and asked her what had happened. She told me she just dreamed that a large dog had approached her and was sniffing her face up around the eyes, and she was afraid that the dog was going to bite out her eyeball, so she did the only thing she could do (in that position) to protect herself. She bit it on the nose! After hearing this I informed her that the dog’s nose just happened to be her husband’s elbow.

I really was afraid that my wife would go back to sleep and have a similar dream, so to protect myself from the possibility of another injury, I took my pillow, grabbed my overcoat (it was sub-freezing weather) and went into the room across the hall and lay down on the floor for a couple of hours with the pillow, using the overcoat as a blanket until it was time to wake up officially.
When morning came, I woke up and arose from my rock-hard mattress. My wife was still asleep, but I was awake and knew I was up for the day and wouldn’t snooze off again. I took a chance and slipped back into bed again right next to her. She woke up not too long after that and I don’t think she remembered the incident, nor the fact that I had slept the last few hours in the other room. She asked me: “How’d you sleep honey?” I said, “Pretty well until the last few hours of the morning.” She asked why and I reminded her of the event that occurred earlier that morning. When I told her she was somewhat incredulous. She did remember a dream she had but couldn’t remember the details except something about a dog being in her dream.

The next night (I swear to you that I’m not making this story up) I had a dream that I was a young dude lying on the ground with a group of my friends. Dracula (it really was him, at least the way I envisioned him) was standing in the middle of our group. I didn’t know if the others were aware of the danger nearby. I was the biggest and oldest in the group and felt I had a responsibility to protect myself and the others from danger. So I stretched my neck out as far as I could (to the very limit) and chomped down hard on his fingers. My wife woke me up to inform me that I had just bitten her hand. I told her about the dream, and she said I was just faking it to get even with her! You are all my witnesses that I am telling the complete, unequivocated, and unadulterated truth! Would I use two 6 syllable words if I weren’t honest with you? Get even? Give me a break! I will have to admit that it was a pretty unique experience.

After this happened she made the suggestion that we put a temporary barricade between us both as a protection against serious bodily injury. We took the soft pillows we sleep on plus all the others she uses to decorate the bed with during the daytime, and even used the stuffed guard dog who watches the pillows. Then fearing that wouldn’t be enough protection, she even went into the next room and took the cushions off the wooden rocking chair to add to the guard squadron. All these were now aligned in a straight(?) line in the middle of the bed from one end to the other. After all that effort and exertion, we each chose sides…she lay down on the left side and I on the right. She tried to go back to sleep and because I was now on the other side of the ‘Great Wall’, she realized she couldn’t lay her head on the customary pillow (my arm) which would also occasionally hug her back (most pillows can’t do that…unless you can find one of the new vibrating pillows they are coming out with now, but they still can’t give you a hug back). So this arrangement didn’t last very long. She called for a treaty which I consented to, which will remain in effect until one of us dreams again.

Addendum---After the first dream I was uneasy because I’ve heard stories about animal bites causing infection. The word ‘rabies’ came to mind. Ridiculous, no? I thought so too, except, as I mentioned before, my wife and I call each other ‘animal’ once in a while. “You animal,” we’ll say. The more I thought about it, the more it bothered me, up to the point where I asked her about the dog she used to have as a young girl. I asked her if her dog had received rabies shots as a pup. She couldn’t remember. I lost control and really blew it when I said, “And honey, how about you? Did they vaccinate you when you were young?” I’m lucky she didn’t get what I was talking about. She just told me she had received her polio, diphtheria, and tetanus shots, her smallpox vaccination, and that she gets a flu shot in the winter. I’m confident that all those germ killers will take care of a rabies virus too.