Our household views ‘bedtime’ as the first half of option #5: We love to graciously exit and are staunch resters and devoted rejuvenators. When the wife and I plunge into our sleep center, it’s an all-night commitment. At least for me. The wife intends for it to be an all nighter, but there’s one thing stopping her: She is aware of my every movement. I can’t get out of bed without waking her up. Even though there aren’t any locks and chains in our bedroom, I feel like a prisoner when I’m in bed. I’m afraid to get up. I’m basically afraid to move at all. All this because of what the wife has told me what I would turn in to if I did wake her up. Just the other day she said, “Honey, if you wake me up too early in the morning, you’re Dead Meat!”
I’m afraid to wake my wife up in the morning. I’m always up before my wife and will lie there for an hour or more deliberating on whether or not to get out of bed. Is it worth it? Am I willing to take a chance? On weekends she repeats her during-the-week threat, but is more explicit by stating the specific hour following which the murder will be committed. “If you get me up before 9 a.m. you’re Dead Meat”.
Last Friday when I came home from work I went over to the refrigerator to get a snack before dinner. The wife had told me the day before that she was going to clean out the fridge. She not only cleaned it up, but she had taken out a shelf, and the complete bottom of the refrigerator was empty. I remember her telling me the week before that she wanted to stock up on some specials from the grocery store nearby. She said they were going to have a store-wide sale on grocery items and produce and beef. I estimated that the extra room she had vacated would accommodate approximately 200 lbs. of fresh produce or meat. But why did she need to free up so much space? We weren’t big meat eaters. And you can’t stock up on a lot of produce because it won’t stay fresh. As I walked up the stairs, I entered the bathroom and stepped on the scales on the way to change my clothes. 200 lbs. But that was with my clothes on. I really weighed 193.
During the previous week a record high temperature was set in our town for the month of July. 112 degrees. I remember complaining to my wife about the heat. I jokingly said to her that I would rather be frozen or live in a cooler than have to tolerate the scorching weather. The words “Dead Meat” ran through my mind as I thought about the large space that she had freed up in the refrigerator. Yes, the sale at the store! Just to calm my nerves, I grabbed the newspaper and looked at the store ads. There were specials on some dairy items and on frozen food. A case lot sale was also advertised. But there weren’t any ads on produce or meat! There were a few other large stores in town that also ran ‘hot specials’. My wife evidently got the stores confused.
There’s one other thing. The wife always has always complained to me that she is unattractive, and that nobody ever pays attention to her. I decided to try and build her self-esteem. I got a bumper sticker that reads, “I’m lonely. Please honk when you go by.” and stuck it to the rear bumper of her car. I thought that all the attention she got as people passed by her would build her self-esteem and help her realize how important and beautiful she was. Wrong! When I got home from work that day, she was a basket case. I told her about my innocent plan. She shook her head and made just one comment in a soft voice, “I’m going to get even”.
The next day was when she decided to reorganize the fridge. It really was sort of a surprise because the refrigerator had been cluttered and messy for a long time, with moldy food and lots of ‘half-eaten’ items stuck into freezer bags and plastic containers. I began to feel a little uneasy. My wife is only about half my size. I couldn’t fathom how she would move forward with her threat. I also remembered the commitment we made to each other when we were married. She could never follow through with she said. I know my wife well enough, and I am alive and in good health, what you would call ‘live meat’. Her threat was ridiculous and absurd. She’d never carry out what she was proposing. That’s what I thought until I read the following: “St. Albans Received The Proposal For A LIVE MEAT Market--. There is a plan to open a meat market that would slaughter animals on site - including goats, lambs, ducks and chickens”.
She does refer to me as an animal sometimes, but we both joke with each other that way. I do wonder, though, why she just brought home a brand new set of cutlery. And why she set it out on the countertop right next to the refrigerator.
No Aaron, you’re going too far. Don’t get carried away with yourself….
Yeah, you’re right. Am I absurd or what? I have learned, though, to sleep with one eye open, and I started honing up on my karate skills this last week. If she tries anything, I’ll be ready for her.
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