Shred Wheat & Other Things

On to a related item that is probably even more serious and potentially detrimental to us, to our future, the future of our families, our eternal happiness and etc. Once we have struggled and striven (have you ever striven before? Drive a car…have driven. Strive to do…have striven. Got it?) to learn and memorize our User ID & password, we have to keep it a secret. It can’t be known or shared with anybody else…ever. Unless we want to have a joint bank account with someone we’ve never met before. Know what I’m referring to? Yes, identity theft.

These same raunchy and despicable dudes that made it necessary for you to have a User ID and password in the first place now employ all their efforts to discover what it is, so they can use it for their own personal benefit. Ever heard of the word “Shred?” At the beginning of this farce I mentioned my favorite breakfast. One of the items I pour into my cereal bowl almost every morning is ‘shredded wheat’. If we can shred wheat, we can also shred other similarly soft substances, like paper.

Did you ever hear of a ‘paper shredder’ in the 1970’s? I don’t think so…well, who knows, maybe. But in our society today it has become a major deterrent to these perpetrators of identity theft. I’m just learning the efficacies of paper shredding. I’ve learned from my wife that you just tear the name and address off all the mail you receive and throw the rest into the recyclable garbage. The part you tore off is all that you have to shred. Much less work. But there is a ‘shredding style’ that all shredder users have to learn. You can’t just stick a piece of paper in a shredder without determining first in what direction the bar code is going. The document has to be “counter bar code” shredded. Otherwise the important information will still be available to all the garbage scavenger scoundrels. …

Speaking of these g.s. scoundrels, I have wondered exactly what they look like. The last time I drove to the city dump in my pickup to get rid of some garbage and waste that had accumulated around the house…when I entered into the dump area, I saw a bunch of bodies hightail to escape the supposed approaching deterrent to their ‘free acquisition’ of discarded ‘treasures’. Most of the running bodies I saw were older men (a few women) shabbily dressed, the men unshaven, most without shoes.

On the other side from where I was unloading my garbage ‘treasures’ I saw a couple of guys who were rummaging through the waste and picking up papers, then (trying to be inconspicuous) slipping them into some plastic bags. Then they loaded the bags into the back of their van. Hmmm I thought. The van was a late model, immaculate, and they were (surprisingly, in a city dump) dressed in stunning suits. I figured they must be enjoying some success with their operation (whatever it was). O.K. back to the shredding.

Once you’ve started to shred something large, beware that you change your mind in the middle of the act of shredding…“Oh no! I didn’t want to shred that paper! Too late, unless you don’t mind causing permanent gastrointestinal damage to a machine. Have you ever tried to pull out a paper in the act of shredding it before? If you have, and you’ve been successful, you deserve to get”the Better Get back the Letter From the Shredder award” (known as the BGLFS award). The previous examples and counsel given, when followed, will greatly contribute to any ordinary Joe’s boring, dull, and lackluster life and transform it into one that’s exciting, passionate & full of surprises.

By the way, for those of you who haven’t yet purchased a shredder or haven’t felt the need for one before, the cost is very minimal. You can get one for almost nothing! My friend tells me that he sees them regularly at garage sales. Remember to counter bar-code shred the stuff or you’ll still be in trouble.

Addendum…This doesn’t have anything to do with shredding, but with an item mentioned in the last paragraph: Junk Mail. I was visiting my friend a few weeks ago (he’s a postman, just retired last month) and I complained to him about all the junk mail I received every day. I went into detail about all the bother it created for me and for the postman also (I thought). When I mentioned ‘the bother to the postman’ he quipped back to me… “Chris, I just want you to know, that that junk mail you’re talking about is what keeps me and all the other mail (& female) deliverers in business. If it weren’t for all the junk mail, we’d basically be out of a job.
So, dear reader, remember that, next time you are annoyed by the junk mail you receive. Instead of grumbling maybe even cursing under your breath, rejoice at the fact that you are contributing to the welfare and prosperity of another human soul (in this case, thousands of them). If you can muster up the courage, you might want to suggest to your personal delivery person that he/she hand deliver the mail to your door. This in exchange for all the junk mail. Just tell the postal person that if he has the right to deliver you something you don’t want or need, you have the right to ask him/her to do something he/she doesn’t want or need to do. Fair’s fair! (I wish you luck).